APRIL 10, 2025 | FEATURES | By Grant Loui (Staff Writer)
I once again bring completely accurate predictions of the future. The stars spoke to me, and I compiled their truths for you. May you have a blessed week, and don’t you dare tell me my predictions were wrong.
Aries: Try to keep things professional this week. We don’t want another incident, do we? I would hate for HR to get involved again.
Taurus: Run! The bull has escaped, and it’s coming for you!
Gemini: This is not the week to let bygones be bygones. You should focus on crushing your enemies and showing the world why the world should fear you.
Cancer: This week, you’re going to feel on top of the world. You will feel like you can do no wrong, like you’re invincible, and that’s because you are. There will be no lasting consequences to your actions.
Leo: This week you will feel your life is a broken mess, spiraling out of control. You will feel like it is all your fault. And it is. Better luck next week.
Virgo: The one you desire doesn’t love you. They love clowns. To win their heart, you must drop out of school and go to clown college.
Libra: Your left shoe will go missing. And someone will buy every left shoe. Start practicing jumping on one foot.
Scorpio: You must learn to love and trust again. Let people into your life with open arms.
Sagittarius: You should wear scarves. Have you ever thought about becoming a scarf person? It could be pretty cool.
Capricorn: You may feel uneasy about the way your life is going. At times, it’s important to remember that you can’t do anything.
Aquarius: It’s a cheat day all week. Cheat on your diet, cheat on your test, cheat on your significant other. No one can fault you.
Pisces: Scorpios are weak this week; now is your time to strike. Fake friendship to get close to them in order to enact revenge. They won’t even see it coming.