FEB 6, 2025 | FEATURES | By Grant Loui
Disclaimer: Once again, I bring you accurate predictions. But again, I am not responsible for the actions of the reader. OK? You can’t pin anything on me or The Catalyst. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Aries: It seems like everyone is getting sick. But you have the best immune system, so you can’t get sick. You? Sick? There’s no chance. So go lick door knobs or whatever; you can’t get sick. Sick? You? No way.
Taurus: Call your mom. She misses you.
Gemini: You will need some new glasses. But there will be a shortage, so steal some. You can steal from your roommate, your job, your professor, strangers—anyone is fair game.
Cancer: A wizard will knock on your door. He will tell you about a dragon that needs to be slain in the Rocky Mountains and wants your help. But you don’t have time for a quest. It’s week 4 and you need to lock in. Tell him no solicitors and get back to standing. You need it.
Leo: This week, you will face many anonices. It will seem like life is throwing you challenge after challenge. The best way to combat this is to physically combat them. Start throwing hands. It will be considered badass and not assault.
Virgo: You’re going to receive a call from an old friend. Take time to chat with them. It’s always important to keep in touch with old friends. But they are calling to get you to join a Multi-level marking system. So, actually, don’t pick up the phone.
Libra: Don’t J-walk this week. Some crazy bikers will not hesitate to hit you. If you J-walk, you are at fault, and they will sue you.
Scorpio: Valentine’s Day is approaching. You need to cancel your plans and get tickets to the next CC hockey game. There, you will meet the love of your life. My sincerest apologies if you are currently in a relationship, but that is not it. Sorry, not sorry.
Sagittarius: Find a bike and hit a Libra. They will definitely be jaywalking, and you can hit them and then sue them.
Capricorn: Have you ever considered getting a perm? This is the week to try it out. Trust me, no one has ever regretted a perm.
Aquarius: We are so back. This week is the start of your comeback arc. You are on a path to greatness and the only thing stopping you is yourself. But you are incredible, and you can do this.
Pisces: You are going to get a new roommate this week. Your roommate will seem odd, and that’s because they are actually seven squirrels in a trench coat. But don’t be mean; they are trying to get an education like the rest of us. Be nice to the squirrels; they can’t be any worse of a roommate than other students.