OCT 10, 2024 | FEATURES | By Theo Tannahill, Finn Russell and Mason Foard
Welcome back to Three Bros Wine Reviews! Apologies for the delay on the first issue, we know you have all been waiting tirelessly for our literary genius to intrude into your consciousness. Since we left off, probably sometime in April, we have been doing tremendous amounts of oral-based alcohol research to expand our palettes – and we like to think we’ve been massively successful. For our palettes, at least. Everything else has gone downhill (especially our career prospects).
Anyways, in honor of Oktober and fests of that nature, today we will be reviewing the St. Christopher 2021 Gewürztraminer from Weinhaus Schloss Koblenz GmbH. This being our first venture into German wine, we consulted Finn Russell, our resident German. He had nothing to say, unfortunately (besides some inaudible Germanic grunting), so we had to go at it alone. The St. Christopher Gewürztraminer 2021 is a German white wine that is advertised for its aromatic and flavorful profile. The Gewürztraminer grape is known for its intense fragrance and rich, subtly sweet taste, appealing to those who prefer fruit-forward wines with a touch of spice (Westchester wine moms).
The marketing, however, deceived us: this wine went past subtle sweetness to intense sweetness. The only thing we could taste was sweetness. It wasn’t necessarily angering, but overpowering. It was hard to deduce what flavors were exactly involved in the wine other than sweetness. Honey, sugar and syrup were the main things we noticed. It would be a delicious wine to receive a glass of in a hotel lobby after missing breakfast orange juice on a seven-hour flight to Ibiza, but does not seem to fit any other situation well. A picnic may suffice, or a brunch — but not much else. Cole, our roommate (Californian) (derogatory) and guest wine consultant, said it’s the “nectar of the gods” although he made us clarify that the remark was indeed ironic. The nectar he was referencing was the legendary Ambrosia of Mt. Olympus – which tastes like honey, but eight times sweeter. In a way, this wine is a double-edged sword. It could be considered tasty, but is most definitely not a good wine. It is drinkable, but likely not past a glass.
This wine is very much like our return to reviewing; Not as good as we would have hoped, trying too hard, and not funny at all. That being said, it tries its best, and even though its parents may be disappointed in it, it pretends to be incredibly sweet and net-neutral. This wine isn’t good, but it could be. Only if it dedicated itself to what’s important in life: becoming a cog in the wheel of corporate bureaucracy and returning incredible shareholder value for Goldman Sachs. Unfortunately for this wine at the current moment, it clocks in at a 23/100. Germans should stick to beer.