*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRICAL IN NATURE AND IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
A monumental election looms in the near future, and voters look forward to casting a ballot to choose the next President of the United States. A promising future awaits the country as a bold, business-savvy candidate crawls his way to the top of the GOP polls. His appearance as a candidate brought hope to the people of America and the prospect of a new American future for this currently doomed nation: Donald Trump could potentially sit in the Oval Office as President of the United States.
The possibility of a Trump White House persists in the eyes of many voters. They appreciate his lack of correctness and blatantly offensive comments about women and integration, calling his words bold and ballsy. Of course, his attribution of Meghan Kelly’s attitude during the GOP debate to her menstrual cycle should not diminish Trump’s political experience.
He brought into the discussion real, relevant concerns of Barack Obama’s legitimacy as a natural-born citizen, demanding the release of his birth certificate. His support of and generous donations to Mitt Romney’s campaign make up for his insignificant absence from a political office. If he can run a multi-billion dollar business, whose to say he can’t run a nation.
Trump’s refusal to respect women, or even avoid using metaphors to compare powerful women to unappealing animals, exemplifies a powerful man who will actually accomplish something in office.
According to a commendable number of voters, the representative of the United States should exemplify all that encompasses American culture.
First and foremost, the nation’s leader should understand the key to success, which is “a young and beautiful piece of ass.” Nothing promotes the American experience like a youthful model on the arm of a balding businessman. Trump also has a unique approach to dealing with women who hold some power in the political and social scene. If he doesn’t agree with a woman’s ideas, he attacks her physical appearance. And women in journalism? Trump understands that only the asthetically pleasing specimens have any chance of success in the field. Trump truly speaks what everyone else is thinking. He has no time to use political correctness. Other more pressing conversations must take precedence, such as showing other nations that America means business.
In international affairs, mutual respect and compromise deters productivity. The president needs an attitude and a plan for trade that will “beat China all the time,” because international economics at its core is merely a game in which the most enterprising individuals win. His expertise on foreign policy not only involves trade with Eastern nations but also dealings with the Middle East. Trump looks to gain control of the oil fields in the Middle East and North Africa. And oil fields controlled by ISIS? Trump would “knock the hell out of” the group’s oil fields in Iraq. This courageous attitude constitutes all that American voters want to see in the nation’s leader; though he hasn’t yet released any concrete plans for action, Trump has the determination to come out on top when dealing with other counties.
Trump has voiced real concerns about the country’s relationship with Mexico as well. The United States needs an executive that understands the true dangers of Mexican immigration: the rapists who illegally enter through the U.S.’s southernmost border. Trump understands that they bring crime. And the Fourteenth Amendment? Throw it out—those children born and raised in the United States have no legitimate claim to residency.
Donald Trump represents a new, bolder America—one that has no time for petty concerns of political correctness or peaceful discourse with foreign nations. His legacy as a businessman has clearly prepared him to take control of this deteriorating country more effectively than his opponents who merely held positions as state and federal political officials.
While Trump exemplifies the ideal candidate, we must not forget to thank all of the news sources and media platforms that have brought so much attention to the Donald. Fox News, CNN, the New York Times, and so many others have brought Trump’s legitimate ideas and cohesive plans to initiate productive change to the American voters.
The coverage of the polling results and Trump’s lead in the GOP brings justified attention to an otherwise silenced candidate who lacks the connections of his adversaries.
As an American people, we must express gratitude to these impartial information sources. For without this notoriety, Trump would have no chance at the presidency, leaving the United States without its brave, experienced new leader.