JAN 30, 2025 | FEATURES | By Grant Loui
Disclaimer: Although this column is 100% accurate, The Catalyst is not responsible for anything done by its readers and does not promote harmful illegal activities. (I’m not your dad, so I can’t tell you what to do and what not to do.)
Aries: Your class will be pushed back by 30 minutes this week, so sleep in. You deserve it.
Taurus: Watch out for the Pisces. They don’t have your best interest in mind this week. Keep your distance at all costs and minimize contact and conversation, and if they offer to give you something, don’t take it. This is for your safety. You’re in danger.
Gemini: Fortune favors the bold. So invest your money in anything you want because there is no risk. It’s guaranteed that you will make a fortune that has never been seen. But not cartoon money. You’re not Basso.
Cancer: You’re going to become left-handed. So make sure you buy left-handed scissors and whatever things left-handed people need. All Cancers are right-handed, so adapting faster will be a great way to assert your dominance.
Leo: Though your sign is a lion, they will be your biggest adversary. So don’t go to the zoo; keep raw meat with you to give as a peace offering. Luckily, at Colorado College, we have an endless supply of raw chicken at the Rastall salad bar.
Virgo: Give in to your impulse. Come on, do it. You know you want to. Do it. Come on, give in to your impulse.
Libra: You will have a great upcoming week. Everything will go your way. And if it doesn’t, it did, but you don’t know yet. Nothing bad will happen.
Scorpio: Stay away from lobsters.
Sagittarius: Bestie, you’ve been through a lot. Take this week for you. Say goodbye to any stress and relax. Are friends bothering you? Stop talking to them. Are romance problems bothering you? Kick them out. Are annoying professors bothering you? Don’t go to class. And they won’t be mad because this is your week.
Capricorn: Though you just got through week two, I would start preparing for your next Block. It will be rough. The professor has been replaced with a spy who wants to take this college down. It’s up to you to stop the professor’s plot and save the school.
Aquarius: Advice given to you between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. won’t benefit you. So just ignore any advice you get at that time.
Pisces: Taurus seems a little weird. It’s best if you hang out with them. We all know that every Pisces is creative and empathetic. So make them a gift. And even though people need alone time, stick around a Taurus as much as possible. Don’t let them run because they could spiral. Hey, make a present and give it to them. You’re such a good friend.