SEPT 12, 2024 | OPINION | By Olivia Link
Nothing beats watching the presidential debate stone-cold sober. And no, I don’t mean the Sigma Chi debate last Friday; that would have been far too intellectually stimulating. I’m referring to what various news anchors dubbed a most historic and unprecedented night — though it was predictable enough for me to wish I’d made a bingo card — the 2024 presidential debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump.
The whole event began rather solemnly with a coin toss won by former president Trump, followed by a series of heavy-hitting questions that both candidates dodged artfully.
The little guy in Trump’s ear was working overtime throughout the night to remind him that he was now facing Vice President Harris and not President Joe Biden. Harris, for her part, gave viewers a glimpse into her daily affirmations as she stated “I am not Joe Biden and I am not Donald Trump,” though she fell short of telling us exactly who she is.
I was admittedly frantic in my note-taking, jotting down bullet points like ‘run Spot, run’ and ‘feeling blessed to have my Canadian citizenship,’ but upon careful review, this is what I learned about Harris’ platform: nothing.
She is passionate about what she calls an “opportunity economy,” although she never deigns to share the details of that. Harris refers repeatedly to the working class and their hopes, dreams, ambitions, and so on. Apparently, she hasn’t gotten the memo that believing in the American dream is so passé. Her great plan for ameliorating current economic hardships includes a promise to build three million homes in four years and a $6,000 tax cut for families, approximately 0.12% of the cost of one of her mansions.
Harris also bragged about her successful initiative to cap the insulin cost at a measly $35 per month. Unfortunately, diabetes is fatal for those who cannot afford that treatment. When asked about climate change, she reminded us that it was a priority for her, as evidenced by domestic gas production being at an all-time high under her and Biden’s leadership. We learned tonight that you may call Kamala Harris many things, but “anti-fracking” is not one of them.
According to her opponent, her victory would usher in an era where America becomes “Venezuela on steroids.” I am almost afraid to discuss Trump’s comments, but he put on such a stunning performance that I can’t resist. Early on, Harris challenged his anti-abortion views, and Trump quite truthfully declared himself to be “a leader on fertilization,” though to what extent he means IVF and not sexual assault requires further consideration.
Unsurprisingly, he harped on immigration with some terrifying language about criminals and so-called pet-eaters. Not only, Trump alleged, are the immigrants stealing jobs that no one wants, but they are also stealing people’s fur babies. If you think this sounds far-fetched, you’re a fool: he says he saw it on TV so it must be true. Special shoutouts on the animal front are given to Springfield, Ohio, and Aurora, Colo., the latter only minutes from my mom’s house in Denver. Naturally, I sent her a few worried texts to make sure that my dog was being kept under the strictest guard — he wouldn’t make much of a meal, but you can never be too sure.
Our former president and favorite convicted felon was truly on a roll, as he warned us about Harris’ “transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison,” a resoundingly haunting statement that also manages to hit all the buzzwords at once. Even Kamala looked a little impressed until he called her the “Border Czar,” the Russophile that he is!
The moderators did their best to control the debate and steer it in relevant directions, and for that, they have my heartfelt admiration. Despite valiant attempts to address specific economic policy or the genocide we are funding in Gaza, viewers endured a minutes-long argument over whose rallies drew bigger crowds.
Other points of contention included debating over who is a more unconditional supporter of Zionism and the oil industry, which illuminates how in touch these candidates are with the will of the people. Finally, when asked about the state of affairs in the Middle East, Trump, ever the advocate of his fellow white people, turned our attention to the situation in Ukraine, where the victims of war have blonde hair and blue eyes. I applaud this move to re-center white lives that so often go ignored in the news cycle. I know that I felt heard in that moment.
Tonight, we lucky viewers were entirely enmeshed in what was allegedly an earth-shatteringly historic moment. Trump threatened World War III a total of three times, while Harris countered that her opponent’s presidency was the greatest attack on democracy since the Civil War, Jan. 6 or ‘J6’ as Trump called it.
I feel unbelievably grateful to live in the greatest nation in the world, one where I am so free that I get to watch two people with the same fundamental interests squabble and call each other absurd names every four years.
I look forward to casting my ballot in November, as I know this is the most important election and the one and only time (2020 notwithstanding) I will get to vote to protect democracy. Will you?