April 11, 2024 | NEWS | By Theo Tannahill and Mason Foard
This week, we found ourselves swaddled in blankets, sitting on our porch, swigging Slovakian white wine on a Tuesday at 2 p.m. Why do we do this? We sacrifice everything for the readers. We must get this information out under any and all circumstances. We will always drink for you.
This week, the Slovakian white in question is not Luka Doncic (he’s Slovenian). Maybe we can just unite the Balkans into one. Why can’t we all happily get along?
Today, we delve into an exquisite journey that connects the past, present, and future of winemaking, spotlighting Egon Müller, a vintner celebrated for crafting Germany’s most coveted vinho. Müller is synonymous with opulence and splendor, with his Trockenbeerenauslese (some silly German nonsense) fetching astronomical prices upwards of 15 to 20 thousand dollars per bottle. Maybe we’ll review one next. We are looking into a small business loan with only a 17% interest rate –– so it’s likely!
Anyways, even Müller’s Kabinett selections from the revered Schatzberg Vineyard command a hefty sum, so we’ve been told by our friend, who is a donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän in Hellschen-Heringsand-Unterschaar in Schleswig-Holstein. Finn met him in the bathroom of a schnitzel emporium deep in Northern Germany … or so we are told.
Today’s adventure, though, travels beyond the German borders into Slovakia, where Müller contributes his expertise to Chateau Bella. “Bella Ciao,” as they say in Italy. This winery produces Riesling wines that are modestly priced between $20 and $30 a bottle, but still relay a story of heritage, resilience, and innovation. The 2019 vintage of Chateau Bella’s Riesling collides Müller’s German winemaking legacy with Slovakian viticulture. Wow!
The tale unfolds with Müller’s connection to Slovakia through his wife, Valeska, who is linked to the Ulman family. Apparently, they were wealthy industrialists who once owned the Chateau Bella estate. The chateau was confiscated in 1945 by communists and, umm, “renovated” into a prison and chemical factory. However, we have an excellent fictional source in Northern Germany. Regardless, we’ve lost dancing. Why doesn’t anybody dance anymore at this school?
Thankfully, hope for fine wine and living in luxury was restored in 2000 when the Ulmans reclaimed the estate, re-establishing it as a luxury hotel and winery. Thank God! We needed more luxury hotels in Slovakia. They better have a hot tub. Hopefully, the Soviet chemicals didn’t leach into the soil and groundwater of this estate. If this were so, that would mean najneobhospodarovateľnejšieho or, in other terms, the “land” is not particularly arable. But let us tell you if this Slovakian white did have Soviet chemicals in it … we would 100% drink it and gladly accept the consequences. Maybe we would get taller, or maybe the effect would be similar to 1950s USSR anabolic steroids – this would also be an acceptable consequence.
Now, for the wine itself. It was pretty good. It boasts a pale and greenish hue, with a 14% alcohol content and notable strength. It shows off its texture and body before it’s even been ingested. You can smell the Olympic golds in powerlifting. The wine’s aroma is complex, with a saline note that gradually unveils a minerality and lime-like essence. It is layered deeply and intensely creative, and its components work beautifully to construct a full composition.
Tasting reveals a dry wine – owed to the high alcohol content, balanced by a crisp acidity that brings out its limey freshness and stoney mineral undertones. One could say that this wine is geologic. After Mason’s long day licking rocks in GY101, it felt like a long-lost friend.
This wine is one of the najneprekryštalizovávateľnejšievajúcimi (look it up, you won’t). Despite its robust alcohol content, the wine remains harmonious, with almost chewy lime notes and subtle toasty pops complementing the minerality and granite-like base.
The Riesling’s dryness and acidity make it a great companion to food, where it cuts through the richness while highlighting the dish’s flavors. We felt it necessary to bring out the cheeseboard for this occasion and subsequently demolished a few blues, goudas, and some other generic cheese-looking bricks.
Chateau Bella’s Rieslings stand out for their quality, balance, and price. The bottles are green and slender — just like we may look due to the chemical-laden terroir. But don’t worry; we can already feel the desire to dismantle private property.
We embark on this journey every week for you- the reader. We will battle through chemical waste, Russian grizzly bears and drinking on a Tuesday afternoon to deliver these works, and do it happily.
“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart,” said Fyodor Dostoevsky. So true, Fyodor. We will accept this mantle as men of great intelligence and heart. Thank you, thank you, to all of our impassioned fans.
No matter how painful it is … we will always drink for you.
Three Bros.
I came upon your article while I was checking out the Catalyst to see what might be happening at CC regarding the MIddle East. Didn’t find anything about student protests, but instead stumbled across your wine review . . . an enjoyable read. Glad to know nothing has changed over the past 40 years at my alma mater snuggled at the base of Pikes Peak. Cheers!