October 12, 2023 | FEATURES | By Izzy Roe and Tia Peterson
This week we will be reviewing a cider! This is the first and last time this will happen.
We didn’t like apple juice as kids, and we sure as hell do not like cider as adults.
If you like ciders, try growing up and drinking real beer. But we had to because, well, it’s apparently cider season and these articles are all about getting college students to drink beers that aren’t Coors and Bud Light.
And an additional goal of this article (because we don’t know if we’ve actually ever explicitly said this) is to be inclusive and try all beers. Obviously, we haven’t been doing the best job because all we drink are IPAs (we love them and we’re not sorry).
This cider was super apple-y but not super sweet. It was, as one might say, “medium dry.” It tastes like an apple that fell on the ground, with a worm in it but has only been sitting for a couple of days. Tia is from the east coast, so she is snotty about her apples and the best way she can describe this beer is “the apples were definitely grown in Colorado.” East Coast beast coast.
This tastes like the apples used were Roth IRA investors – sophisticated, but not complete pixie sticks. We still don’t like it.
The chug was mother***ing brutal. You can literally feel the incoming headache. Probably the worst thing we could have drunk after our Monday exams (that was an exaggeration – Speculoos Cookie Butter beer would have been way worse). For context, this chug lasted about three seconds, which might sound long to some men, but as women we promise you it isn’t.
Speaking of men, we did this edition with two male friends. They sucked and we are goddesses. The three-beer challenge is more challenging than it seems – ask the boys, they were not good sports about it.
Slow and steady is not the tactic. This week’s edition involved a lot of complaints from the men, “why do we have to chug?” “A third beer???” “Wahhhh.”
This should not have come as a surprise to us; men are the worst.
We laughed, we burped (nine times), and we got drunk. What a Monday. Thanks for reading.