Speculoos Cookie Butter Beer 9.5% 

September 28, 2023 | FEATURES | By Izzy Roe and Tia Peterson

The opinions represented in this piece do not reflect those of anyone other than the author(s) themselves. The Catalyst’s editorial staff may edit any article for form and/or length.

Cookie butter is a beloved little treat among both children and adults, but Speculoos Cookie Butter Beer is an entirely different story. The children may like it, but not us (because it’s sweet, not because we endorse underage drinking). This beer is so awful – almost atrocious. We don’t recommend this beer unless you can’t taste anymore due to the COVID-19 virus.

The only positive aspect about this beer is that you can get drunk faster. This beer is sent from the devil himself to kill humans. At 9.5% alcohol by volume, along with the nastiest taste ever, we don’t know why anyone would ever willingly ingest this. 

We bought this beer because it looked disgusting. Also, we wanted to celebrate Trader Joe’s fall launch. Trader Joe’s, home to the infamous orange chicken and fried rice, usually hits the mark with their products. This encounter, however, was a harrowing tale of misery and sorrow.

When consulting with the Trader Joe’s employees, two-out-of-three recommended the drink. For our next article, we will tour the Cookie Butter Beer Brewery and perform a thorough health inspection.

It tasted like if you ate the Trader Joe’s Speculoos cookie butter (yum!), threw it up, and then ate the puke, and shotgunned a Busch. Only white people could make a beer this bad, and only white people could design a can this f***ing boring. 

We have never been so depressed. It took us two excruciating hours to drink two pints each. We poured some out, we gave some to our friends, Tia threw up (a first for us Beer Babes). And you know what, it doesn’t get better as you get more drunk–AND nothing helps. 

You could pair this beer with 39 cigarettes, depression, and concrete. The four pack should come with a 90 prescription of Zoloft. We tried and failed to chug this cookie butter fecal concoction, but this time it wasn’t because we’re awful at chugging, it was because this beer tastes like a pit toilet baking in the sun. 

In conclusion, screw this. We only have hate in our hearts for this beer. Calling it a beer is a disgrace to beer everywhere. Never again. Steer clear of this in the store. Don’t buy it because you think it’s funny. It is absolutely not funny. The next one will hopefully renew our fractured faith in beer. Guess you’ll have to read it to find out.

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