March 17, 2023 | FEATURES | By Izzy Roe and Tia Peterson
Burp Count: Izzy III, Tia XXIV
As any review goes, we must be honest. We were lied to: deceived, tricked, and fooled. Fool us once shame on you, fool us twice we are going to put the blame on you, fool us three times… you know how the rest of the song goes. To put it shortly, this isn’t a local beer.
The Victory Sour Monkey Sour Triple 9.5 % abv. is from the East Coast.This beer is from Pennsylvania, the birthplace of American democracy and Hershey’s chocolate.
You know what the deal is, let’s kick this article off with some beer-can-aesthetic talk. It’s giving bowling alley vibes (we use the term ‘it’s giving’ in a post-modern comedic way, commenting on the inherent nature of society). Yeah, that’s kind of all we got for this one. Not our favorite. Gross tongue schematic got us uncomfortable.
At first, this beer tastes like juice. If there wasn’t a heinous aftertaste and the pesky little fact that there is alcohol in this ‘juice,’ we would give this to the kids we babysit. Once again, we were bamboozled.
It went quickly from juice to straight up yeast – Belgian-style. It was all sour on the western front, and not nearly as entertaining as the movie. And you know what, not as entertaining as the book either. Weirdly enough, the yeast tried to disguise itself as a cider, but we were not easily fooled this time.
Time for some more honesty; it feels like we’re at confession session right now. This whole experience has been chaotic, never have we ever gotten so hot in the face from a beer. Three beers in one hour? Impossible. We were on the floor by the time we were a quarter of the way through the second can.
We had to enlist some pals to help us choke it down. For real. And we like beer! Turns out sours are for people who don’t like beer. Freaks. We only drank two and a half. Don’t talk to us about it.
DON’T CHUG THIS BEER. Once again, we stayed true to our rules. But man, we wish we hadn’t. We had to catch our breath after this chug. It felt like we’d been punched in the beer belly. Absolutely foul. That’s all we have to say.
Now to get sappy, the best pairing with this beer is true friends who mouth-to-mouth resuscitate you back to life after you chug this beer. The emotional (and very physical) support was truly inspiring. Also, cookies were good. Basically, random food around the house until we got too drunk to eat.
Final thoughts. We wouldn’t drink again. A six-pack is $13.99. Brutal. Despite all of the crap we’ve given this beer, it does get the job done. Our notes say, “too drunk for final thoughts” and we were. Our drunk voices were out of control (if you were there, we apologize). Tune in next block for an actual local beer.
We won’t be hornswoggled again.