By Zhuang (Michael) Xu | Illustration by Daniel de Koning

Dear Mr. President,

I’m writing on behalf of the American Association of Free Enterprises to urge you, the leader of the free world, to cease the federal guidelines that restrict people’s movement and bar businesses from operating. Our association advocates for the freedom of trade, individual competition, and an economy free from government intervention, and we believe that the current measure to contain the “Chinese Virus” grossly violates those principles. Instead, we are convinced that the best action to take now is to recognize the positive potential of the “Chinese Virus,” to seize its momentum and let it roam across the country.

Through research and vigorous reflection on the sound theories proposed by our predecessors, we have concluded that prolonging the human lifespan is the biggest threat to the free market. In other words, aging is a socialist concept. Senior citizens of this country have feeble buying power and yet constantly put more burden on the social welfare system, an entity that is already costly and wasteful enough with very limited profit return. The baby boomer generation is getting closer to retirement age every year and the government is ill-equipped to accommodate their needs. When the U.S. government has to spend more money in the public sector, its spending in the private sector automatically diminishes. Moreover, social security forces the government to pile up more debt that threatens to destabilize our economy at any time, which is why for years we have been ceaselessly promoting the idea of austerity. Humans were created to be laborers, and when a person cannot work anymore, he or she can no longer be qualified as a human being.

During the pandemic, states across the world are accumulating more power for themselves at an unprecedented rate. We have not observed such treachery since World War II (or as I like to call it, the socialist civil war). We are happy to see that the U.S. did not become a sycophant of this awful trend and maintains its excellency in its exemplary effort to stay out of the way. For that we applaud you. We must also compliment your party’s move to force socialist voters to vote in person during a pandemic. The brilliance of this move can only be matched by Sen. Mitch McConnell’s blocking of the socialist judge, Merrick Garland.

However, socialists in the country, with the audacity to call themselves “scientists,” are conspiring together to urge you not to reopen the country any time soon. Anthony Fauci, the socialist doctor, shamelessly admitted your government’s responsibility in not taking any action in the early stages, implying that you are somehow responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans. What a gross, baseless accusation! This so-called expert may have a fancy diploma from a socialist elite university and years of experience in epidemiology, but of course he does not possess the necessary knowledge, intellectual capability, or undying faith in capitalism to understand even a glimpse of the politics and economy that truly constitute our world in the modern era. His ungratefulness either comes from a lack of understanding of the fact that capitalism created science, or an egregious socialist agenda. Regardless of his motive, he should be fired immediately.

Some socialists conceal their agendas in the name of helping the struggling American public. They believe that the relief bill should emphasize unemployment benefits and paid sick leave. Ludicrous monstrosity! If health care workers’ unemployment benefit exceeds their wages, they will instantly stop working because the incentive to stay at home will be greater. How insulting for the socialists to think that nurses and doctors treat their patients because of a sense of love and sacrifice for the community! They say we should thank our health care heroes. Well, I say we should thank the capitalist wage system that keeps them working in the first place. To my relief, Sen. Lindsey Graham is one of the few people with the clarity to perceive the danger lurking in the name of care.

China is the sole player that should be blamed for our current dilemma, and it is absolutely imperative to stress this point in the name of the “Chinese Virus” at all times. I would also suggest the name “socialist virus” or “Commie virus,” because obviously China is the face of socialism at its worst with its everlasting commitment to communism since 1949 (meanwhile, we do own their economic accomplishment, because that was totally capitalist.) Now, some people, socialists mostly, will question this decision on the grounds that it may threaten our Asian community, and therefore it is racist. What these snowflake buffoons do not realize is that we only want to blame the Chinese government. The Asian community is crucial to our country and the market because it is an excellent role model that reminds all the other minority races of the power of self-reliance.

What I am attempting to show you is that this pandemic is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: if you do not take any action and let the virus run its course, it will lead to the deaths of so many senior citizens that it will finally put a stop to the growth of our national debt. The socialists, with little real political power, are on their knees at your mercy, while socialist liberal snowflakes are busy trying to figure out which group of people is oppressed the most by the pandemic. The operation of the opposition party has almost completely ceased. The Democrats in Congress will not dare obstruct any of your agendas regarding the pandemic. The virus originated in China, so we can make sure that China alone will take all the blame. Sure, there will always be criticism against you, but as long as you continue being yourself, the critics cannot hurt you. Don’t be afraid, Mr. President. Have faith in the free market and persist in keeping the government out of the private sphere, and together we will ensure that the shrine of capitalism forever shines in the name of Jesus. We have always been on the winning side, and we will win again this time.


An American Patriot

P.S. Of course, God forbid, if our economy crashes, we will ask you to bail the failed companies out. No worries, however, because I guarantee you that we are very good at rewriting history.

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