By Georgia Grellier

Dogs are not that special. I recognize that this is an inflammatory statement, but it has gone unsaid for far too long, and I am here to speak for everyone who knows the truth about these creatures.

If the Zodiac Killer turned out to be a dog, people would probably start thinking he wasn’t so bad. That is how much I see dogs getting a pass in this society. Why is everyone fetishizing them so much? It’s not like they were just invented. Everyone has already heard of them. They bark, they poop, they sleep, they frolic around, and some of them are cute. Sounds like your average mammal to me. As far as species go, this one gets a six out of 10, at least in my book.

People see a dog minding its own business from a quarter mile away and start squealing like it just handed them a million bucks. Then they just go petting random unknown dogs willy-nilly. What if that dog has fleas? Or a tick? But people forget about diseases when they begin harassing regular dogs. I refuse to accept this as normal human behavior.

Society is already turning into chaos, and do you know what I see? I see dogs on the news because a random town in one of the Dakotas decided to make it their mayor. Whose idea was that? Can it even speak? No. Impeach these mayor dogs. If more people start making their pet their mayor, they should be parrots, because at least parrots can speak. There is no reason for a dog to be the mayor.

Photo by Daniel Sarché

Don’t get me wrong, some dogs are cute and lovable. I know at least two dogs that I genuinely like, possibly more. I’m just saying that they don’t deserve some kind of pedestal for existing. Plus, when people think about dogs, the next thing they think about is dogs dying. Dog deaths are the cheapest way to make books and movies sad — and of course it’s sad when dogs die. But whenever I see a dog, I’m like, oh god, now I have to think about it being dead. That’s not something I remember signing up for.

Anyway, for those who understand that dogs are incredibly average: you are validated and seen. Wake up, America, to the mediocrity of these creatures.  

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