Dear Andy,
I’m a freshman girl at CC, and I’m still feeling new to the hook-up scene here on campus. I can’t find a good guy at drunken house parties, and my classes have no cuties, so I’m looking to turn to online dating apps. So, I got to ask: Tinder or Bumble at CC – which would you recommend?
Love,
Single & ready to mingle
Dear single & ready to mingle,
Undoubtedly, getting your hands on some delicious man candy can be troublesome. In fact, sorting through fukkboiz alone can be a grand task. So, now comes the question: Do you want to approach or do you want to be approached? Bumble, sometimes called the “classy Tinder,” works by only letting girls approach guys. Tinder, “trash Bumble,” lets either person approach one another. So basically, if you have the ovaries to approach guys on these apps, I say go with Bumble. Even though less people are on it, the men you find are A1.
Always,
Andy
Hi Andy,
I’m a sophomore male at CC. I made a joke tinder account under the guise of a 75-year-old woman living in the springs. My fake name is Betty. My purported interests include cats, chamomile tea and bondage (oxford comma excluded because the two go together). I’m a bit of a prankster. The thing is, I matched with a kindly 70-year-old man named Joseph. I started talking to Joseph, mostly just being flirty because—you know—why not? But Joseph started opening up to me. He recently had to put his cockerspaniel, Matisse, in a home. He’s a recovered alcoholic who still plays an active part in the Springs’ AA community.
His passions are numerous and deep: He loves to paint, among other creative pursuits. He sends me pictures of his paintings. No joke, they’re f*cking masterpieces. Mostly impressionist stuff. Paintings of children playing in yellowed Colorado aspens. Paintings of his house, which is a light blue and peeling at the corners. A self portrait that brought me to tears. My point is…I’m in love. What’s worse, I’ve concocted an intricate life story for myself. I mean, for Betty. You see? I’m getting lost in the fantasy.
Betty worked as a Nurse back in ‘Nam. Her husband ran a pharmacy for thirty years, but he died from a stroke last year. Betty’s been traveling the world since he passed. She went back to Vietnam late last year to study Buddhism under thich nhat hanh, a legendary monk. She just returned to Colorado Springs in August in order to help out the community that raised her. I digress, perhaps. Anyway, we’re going to bingo next Friday at 5:00 PM. I can’t wait. It takes me an hour to fall asleep every night because I can’t get his profile picture out of my head.
Well, Andy. What do I do?
Sincerely,
“Chris”
Dear “Chris,”
Oh man, this one is a doozy. Well, first off, I think that you should take down your Tinder page immediately—for the sake of Betty’s relationship and to cover your own ass. Next, get ready for the big reveal. If you feel like you really have a connection with this guy, maybe he can see past your ‘hip’ ways and rejuvenated skin and really accept you.
Start by maybe telling him that you have some shocking news or a surprise or something and tell him that your love for him is genuine, even though you haven’t been. Email him, call him, send him smoke signals—but make sure you have some way to tell him. The big unveiling will be hard, but I think that there’s a craze-amazing chance that you two could work this out.
From what I read, it sounds like you two have a good connection, even though it all started as some flirty entertainment. My guess is that you two could spend many romantic nights dreaming of the aspens in each other’s embrace. Enjoy the years you may have left with him and live it up—who knows, he very well could be Grandpa Right.
Always,
Andy