Kirkland Signature Brand Sea Salt and Milk Chocolate Macadamia Clusters
Picture this: you’re browsing the aisles of your neighborhood Costco when an octogenarian in white scrubs and a hair net offers you a caramel cluster. You wake up two days later in rural Kansas and realize you’ve been offering sexual favors outside the Overland Park Costco just to get your hands on another container of those Hawaiian-themed caramel turtles.
Yes, you have blacked out for a few days and have probably lost the majority of your dignity, but one bite of this sea salty snack transcends time, space, and the capacity for human taste and understanding. If you choose to take a risk and partake in “clustering,” please be responsible.
“Work Bitch” by Britney Spears
WOW the pop music industry finally releases a socially responsible record that’s optimistic and encouraging! This year has been hard to listen to: Robin Thicke sounded too rapey, Justin Timberlake’s first song since 2006 was about him dressing up, and Miley Cyrus became the famous version of your Facebook friend from Florida who posts captions like “a pumpkin spice latte & a fresh mani will do my Monday #love #obsessed #bellyring #victoriassecret #tan #sundayloungin #neon” above a picture of her in a bikini.
There’s an old saying that the people who give the best advice have been through the most. We can Google “Britney Spears 2008 umbrella” and see that, indeed, ol’ Brit has been through a lot. She is also probably tired of hearing our generation whine about not waking up in a new Bugatti or being Vine famous.
Britney Spears is sitting at a skybar in Las Vegas, sipping a Grey Goose and 85-carat diamond martini, shaking her head at the entitlement of us Millenials. “Work Bitch” is the 2013 restating of that Fight Club quote, “You are not special. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” Regardless of what Blue’s Clues and Mr. Rogers told us, we’re probably not all special, and some work is required to get what we want.
Questioning Miley Cyrus’s Validity as an Artist
Last week, my friends and I got into an argument when “We Can’t Stop” came on my “Classy Pregame With Cool People” Songza playlist. “So y’all,” I said coyly, “At this point we’ve all accepted that Ke$ha is undeniably a genius and that her performance art is comparable to only that of Marina Abramovich, but what about Miley Cyrus?” Although she’s not as catchy as Ke$ha, Miley has definitely been playing up the cool slut who knows how to blaze and drink PBR with the bros vibe for the last few months. There’s one difference, though; Ke$ha knows exactly what she’s doing.
Behind all that glitter there’s a calculating mind and a stone-cold heart that craves fame and money. Is Miley Cyrus actually this stupid!? It really seems so… As much as we hate her, “Questioning Miley Cyrus’s Validity as an Artist” is a concept that’s “in,” and it KEEPS HER RELEVANT. Even if we’ve uncovered her cultural appropriating ways and her mockery of mental health issues she still gets to host SNL and be a role model for preteen girls.
Chief Tief Tanks
Have you ever dreamed of wearing a sexy trendy tank top AND confusing old people at the same time? Now’s your chance! Jill Tiefenthaler is back in style, and so are Chief Tief tanks. Some members of the administration may see this ceremonial title as mocking our President, but in reality it’s a term of endearment and respect, kind of like how people called Reagan the Gipper. If you want to look sexy while simultaneously spreading the word about our college and beloved president, pick up a Chief Tief tank today from Junior Kenyon McFarlane.
For many years, CC students have been looking for ways to engage in productive and intelligent discourse. Thank the lord of liberal arts that someone had the guts to restart CC Confessions this year. Finally, there’s a way to anonymously confess that I have a crush on someone, but I don’t know how to tell that person. Or, I can just complain about something and get witty comments supporting me! The most relevant part of CC Confessions is the fact that nobody can successfully identify troll confessions. The best part of my day is sitting on my computer and giggling with glee when people take things so seriously.