January 25, 2024 | OPINION| By Sam Treat
If there is one flaw that my loyal reader base is always pointing out, it is that the restaurants I choose are far too accessible — tons of people have begged me to elevate my writing to include more exclusive eateries and cuisines. Fear not, my four-to-seven fans, for I have decided to take my culinary review talents to a member-only club to kick off the new year.
Costco, the sole members-only club I am a part of (although I do have my Caniac Card) is perhaps most well-known for its large warehouse-style stores filled with wholesale deals. Indeed, Costco is a valiant display of American exceptionalism, and I find it personally appalling that our government has not acted to prominently display these testaments to United States excellence near more National Parks and major tourist attractions.
Imagine if we filled in the Grand Canyon — just a little bit — in order to build a Costco Superstore complete with several major parking lots. People would flock from all corners of the world. I know I personally would enjoy Yellowstone a lot more if I could also buy $5 rotisserie chickens and bulk amounts of Tide Pods nearby. And, why stop at Costco? I cannot even imagine how great Niagara Falls would be if they would only build a strip mall alongside the waterfall.
But I digress. Treat’s Eats is a food column, not an advocacy platform for the development of beautiful superstores, strip malls and parking lots in places with the most potential. So, let’s discuss the food. The Costco Food Court is a legendary place; even if you have never been to a Costco, you know about the food court.
For one, there is nothing on the menu over $10 — including entire pizzas. Similarly, there is nothing on the menu that could be construed as good for you — save for the pathetic rotisserie chicken salad which I didn’t even bother looking at. Instead, I opted to order a smorgasbord of Costco favorites: a hotdog and soda ($1.50), a slice of pepperoni pizza ($1.99), a chicken bake ($3.99), a roast beef sandwich ($9.99), a double chocolate chip cookie ($2.49), and a strawberry-vanilla twist ice cream sundae ($2.49).
The experience of sitting in a Colorado Springs Costco food court at midday on a Tuesday by yourself, with practically the entire menu in front of you, is one that is hard to put into words. I will say, though, if you particularly enjoy snot-nosed children wiping ice cream all over their faces while their over-stressed parent studies the receipt to try and calculate just exactly how they spent so much money in one grocery run then you will absolutely LOVE Costco food court.
The most reliable of all the items, the hotdog-soda combo, did not disappoint. I mean, it was a hotdog. It was like any other hot-dog, except that if you were to buy a soda and hot dog at a Rockies game, for instance, you would spend somewhere in the ballpark (pun intended) of $16 — and that’s a conservative estimate. The true beauty of the $1.50 combo is its consistency — it never changes. Consistency, especially in the fast-paced, ever changing, and constantly disappointing reality of ours, is not something that one should take for granted.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term “chicken bake” as a food item and not as a reversed cooking instruction, I don’t blame you. This item of food is unlike much else: picture a long skinny chicken-filled calzone without any pizza sauce and the cheese baked onto the outside. Surprisingly, I found the chicken bake delicious and filling, with a smoky flavor and remarkably firm texture. You’d be hard pressed to find over 900 calories for under $4 anywhere else. However, buyer beware, this item was so greasy that I had to double bag it to keep from seeping grease onto the table and turning the whole affair orange.
The roast beef sandwich was flavorless and not worth the money. The bread should have been toasted and, while the ingredients seemed fresh, the flavor was bland at best.
However, the pepperoni pizza made all of my problems go away. Somehow Costco has created a nearly perfect slice of pizza. To all of my New York City residents or expats who shuddered at that sentence, allow me to elaborate: Costco’s pizza is not necessarily better than artisan or local pizzerias in any one aspect, but Costco’s pizza doesn’t falter in any aspect, as many other places do. The sauce to cheese ratio was perfect, with the grease from the cheese doing some of the same work as the sauce in terms of texture. The crust, a top two part of pizza, was sublime, adding both flavor and support to the entire affair.
Finally, the dessert was sensational, as expected. The strawberry and vanilla soft serve was blended perfectly and covered with a strawberry sauce that really was the metaphorical cherry on the top of the very real sundae. The cookie was soft but firm, oozing gooey chocolate chip – no complaints.
All in all, Costco’s food court shines not only because of its low prices, but because the food is actually worthwhile. And while it may be true that within four bites, I had reached my daily calorie limit, it is equally true that I was smiling the whole time. So, if you haven’t yet, do yourself a favor, and make friends with someone who has a Costco card.