SEPT 12, 2024 | OPINION | By Nolan Diffley
Greetings dear readers, and welcome to the inaugural edition of “How The Cookie Crumbles.” Since time immemorial, people have sought ways to catch even the faintest glimpse of the future. We have looked up at the stars and down at our tea, counted atoms and magpies, lived and killed and died, all in an attempt to see what is kept from us, until it is not. Many doubt these methods, and I doubt there is any way to see what is Hidden.
This pragmatic crowd sees the world as chaotic and wild, uninterpretable to the human psyche. To them, I propose a solution. What if there were a way to harness this chaos of life, to sway with the turbulence and feel the current running through? For this, we must throw ourselves to the mercy of chance. We must not resist but rather melt into the pool of uncertainty. Nay, we must become uncertainty itself.
Now, of course, for this, we must choose our medium, our vessel on which we may sail into the turbid sea. This may look different for everyone. While some swear by cards or bones, I trust nothing but trust itself, for how can you hope to surrender your agency to anything but that which you trust most? For this reason, I turn not to a specific practice or discipline in which I have no knowledge or place but rather to something of my own. A confection whose sage advice is often scoffed at but always heard, who has no agenda, no agency, no bias.
That’s right, readers, I turn to the humble fortune cookie. So, let us now pivot to some groups within our campus community who may be looking towards the distant light of the future and see if we may glean exactly how the cookie will crumble…
Sophomore Swimmers
● An important business venture may soon develop…
○ While current times may seem tumultuous, keep your eyes peeled for an opportunity to harness a new venture. While it may seem challenging to see how one might capitalize at a time of such disorder, we must only look at organizations invited to teach at our esteemed college, such as Lockheed Martin, to see just how profitable exploiting this chaos can be. Look for opportunities to give each side a leg up on the other, but make sure not to draw too much attention, lest your Midas touch turn even your water to gold.
Neuroscience Class PY299
● You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance…
○ Right now, things might not be going your way. I get it. Last year, I took ”Gender and Sexuality in the Ancient World,” and it was pretty challenging. However, it’s often in times of your greatest struggles that the world finds a way to balance the scales. Keep up the good fight, and stay on-alert for a helpful boost from somewhere you might not expect. A new-money sophomore swimmer perhaps? Or maybe even that curve you’ve been secretly hoping the prof has been keeping as a welcome surprise…
Men’s Club Rugby
● Beautiful things await you…
○ You have your first game day of the year this Saturday, against who else but your bitter rival, Denver University. It can be easy to get caught up in the drama of it all, but remember to look up from the scrum and appreciate the everyday beauty that surrounds you. The trees, the clouds, the grass, not to mention playing this incredible game without having to live in England! Appreciate this beautiful land and these beautiful friends, allow the ecstasy of the present to course through you, and become a berserker of light and joy. Arm yourself with kindness and love, and you will find great success in this endeavor of toughness and hate.
QRC Tutor
● True friends will always surround you…
○ Don’t get too cocky. While constantly being surrounded by people desperate for your academic assistance can feel isolating, try to look past this intellectual gap. Academic success is not the marker of a good friend; rather, having the humility to ask for help is a valuable skill in relationships. Respect is a strong foundation on which to build, and if you can get past the inherent power dynamic present in the tutor-tutee relationship, you will find great reward and fulfillment through this partnership.
Loomis Mice
● You have a good head for matters of the heart…
○ Often the subject of fear and disdain, these clever critters have quite the nose for love. Unlike their more practical cousins in the psych department, the Loomis mice species have been raised on first-year hormones and gossip. So the next time you see a flash of fur, think twice before filing a work order, as they might be following your latest love interest’s trail of desire. With their complex network of underbed nests, these seemingly frightful critters are in fact powerful players to have in your corner. Feeling like you need a bit of extra help in the romantic realm? Consider leaving out a Rastall’s cookie with your crush’s name carved into it; you might just get something a little sweet in return!
Queer Dance Workshop Dances
● You attract cultured and artistic people…
○ Similarly to the many midwesterners who inhabit our beloved campus, these fortunes can skirt the core of their message. Rest assured that these dances have found their desired people. Be careful, however, for what you look for you will most certainly find, and this strong concentration of queer energy within such a small group may prove detrimental to the overall queerness of Dance Workshop. In creating a space for queerness, the expectation for broadscale, institutional queerness is lessened. Now is not a time for caution. The deed has been done and the seeds have been sown. You must take up this weight just as Atlas did; these dances must be THE performances if there is to be any hope for the continuation of the age-old partnership of queerness and dance. I bow my head to you choreographers, may you have the strength to finish what you have started.
The opening of the cookies was witnessed by Lilly Asano ‘27, Reed Haymons ‘27, Olivia Harris ‘27, and Sara Makulec ‘25. The future is a slippery thing, it must not be handled without care. In fact, it must not be handled at all, it must be embodied. Become slippery dear readers, become electric, reproduce in ways that modern science cannot explain, become an eel — that ever-changing creature from the great beyond. Once you have done this, you too may be able to say exactly how the cookie will crumble…