February 01, 2024 | OPINION | By Theo Tannahill
Welcome to the first installment of the Three Bros Wine Review, wherein three friends and housemates (Theo, Finn and Mason) will attempt to finally become sophisticated wine connoisseurs through extensive exploration of the world’s greatest bottles. For today’s review, we decided to tackle Josh—not the person, the wine.
Josh, in the past few weeks, was made viral for its name’s complete and utter simplicity contrasted by its font’s sophisticated ethos. It spread rapidly through the most niche cultural enclaves in internet culture and became probably the most remarkable Josh in recent history (really, think about it for a second).
After extensive research (reading the back of the bottle), we discovered that Josh is named after the winemaker’s late father. May he rest in peace, but it’s still humorous to us to see the name Josh in gothic cursive across a wine label. If the Josh memes were astroturfed by the Josh marketing department, we fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Once Josh had fully penetrated our collective consciousness, we were left with only one option–taste it.
Inspired by the words “last night we let the Josh talk,” Mason bought six bottles of Josh at Target to display on our dining room table. This review, however, will focus on the supposed crown jewel of those six: the Cabernet Sauvignon.
First, we conducted some more extensive research, discovering that a Cabernet typically has a higher alcohol content, darker color and a fuller flavor than other red wines. This Cabernet was the first wine Josh ever produced. Wow! Feeling hopeful after this discovery, we heavy-handedly poured our glasses, delicately swirled the stem, and absorbed the aromas. We were ready for the Josh.
Unfortunately, the insurmountable hype was not met, and even with our millimeter-above-average wine knowledge, we could tell this wine was sitting somewhere between not that good and “mid.” It was sitting somewhere around 17.6 points above that wine with the turquoise toes on the label, its shelf mate at Target. The first thing we noticed was an intense sweetness. The label claimed the main tasting notes were blackberry, hazelnut and cinnamon, but we felt a more apt description was Ocean Breeze cranberry juice and black pepper. The only hazelnut we noticed was something closer to Nutella, or a blackberry that had been simmered in Nutella for around 45-minutes with a cinnamon stick crowding above it, sometimes dipping its toes into the mix.
One factor we ignored was the traditional food pairing. Cabernet is usually paired with red meat, and we did not follow those guidelines. Our pairing of Josh with pizza and Caesar salad which probably did not advance the flavors in the way a steak would have. We wouldn’t say, though, that the Josh is very steak-worthy, but it should probably be consumed with something meatier, possibly beef and broccoli.
The dryness was the second most notable flavor. This did push it past the bottom of the barrel wines and matched the sweetness as well as it could, which was no easy task. The existence of two large flavor profiles nudged it toward smoothness, but not quite all the way there. Like the Baltimore Ravens, it just couldn’t go all the way. Tragic. The dryness ended with a sizable bitter bite, which provided a nice contrast with the previous sweetness. The bitterness could also be described as a strong alcoholic burn, but it did provide a rare complexity that was not present in the rest of Josh. Unfortunately, Josh did not take the pain away but rather used pain to create interesting flavor depth. Pain, however, could not save Josh.
Mason introduced the idea that the wine, like the meme, is a parody of itself. It carries the basic traits of a decent bottle yet lacks enough depth to fully be considered high or medium quality. Its sweetness, like a bad meme, is overbearing with its intent. It is very close to being decent but just not quite there yet.
Finn said Josh reminded him of a grandma’s wine, whatever that means. He continued by noting that it was smooth but, honestly, we didn’t really trust what he had to say. Ever since his semester in Berlin, his taste just hasn’t been the same.
Mason remarked that Josh is a bottle one would order at an Outback Steakhouse and wouldn’t be entirely surprised if Outback was the largest account in the Josh sales department. Josh may not be a Taco Bell parking-lot wine, and it certainly is not a French Laundry wine. Now, there’s a lot between those two restaurants, but it likely lands somewhere in the Longhorn to Olive Garden range. The Josh is an OK option if you want to feel marginally better than the general population, but it is just not the “Joshumentary” we were promised.
Final score: 63/100. Instead of the Josh, we would recommend a Plavac from the Dalmatian coast of Croatia.