December 10, 2021 | ACTIVE LIFE | By Lorea Zabaleta and Jon Lamson | Illustration by Sydney Morris

As the Biden administration continues to approve oil and gas permits at an even faster rate than Trump’s, the time is quickly coming for Colorado College’s snow enthusiasts to prepare for a world without snow. We’re here to help.

Inspired by the fearless journalism of the one and only Chris Cillizza, we’ve compiled the definitive list of the 16 best ways to spend your winter when a healthy snowpack is a distant memory.

  1. Ski on not snow (or snowboard, I guess)

Snow isn’t the only thing you can slide down on a slope on. One brave soul recently sent the Star Dune of the Great Sand Dunes. He didn’t have a great time, but still it’s worth a shot. Also an option: grass? Wet grass?

  1. Lean into the seasonal depression.

On the bright side, it’s still going to get dark way too early in December and January.

  1. Start a cult

Promise that you can bring the snow back for the small financial price of absolute personal devotion and $10,000.

  1. Hibernate

Sleeping continuously for four months to avoid your problems is always a valid option.

  1. Scuba tour of downtown Miami

All praise His Majesty DeSantis’ water kingdom.

  1. Study astrophysics in the hopes of ultimately learning how to adjust the Earth’s orbit to return the planet to a cooler temperature

Scientifically speaking, it’s totally feasible to induce an Ice Age to cancel out anthropogenic climate change by pushing the Earth away from the sun.

  1. Study astrology because you have nothing better to do

The answer must be in the stars, we’ve exhausted all other possible options.

  1. Pretend that carbon capture works

Basically astrology, but supported by the fossil fuel lobby, so you know it’s even more legit.

  1. Go for a hike

This is probably the most affordable option on the list.

  1. Visit the Musk-Bezos Dogecoin Ski Palace on Mars

Reserved for the wealthiest 0.00001%. This incredibly eco-friendly resort makes 100% of its snow from recycled workers’ tears and sweat.

  1. Buy zip-off cargo pants for days that start out kind of cold but then warm up a lot

Sexy AND functional. Enough said.

  1. Surf off the scenic ocean shore of Arkansas

It’s kind of the same as skiing right?

  1. Gaslight yourself into thinking that there is snow and there will always be snow

Climate change is fake. It’s not real and frankly you’re crazy for ever worrying about it. If anything, the climate’s actually getting cooler.

  1. Dress up like the ghosts of winters past, present, and future and haunt Joe Manchin on his luxury yacht

If we have to suffer, so does he. Revenge is a dish best served more than 2 degrees Celsius above its pre-industrial temperatures.

  1. Walk into the wilderness and take up a life with the raccoons

They’re as poised as anybody to take over after the collapse of society.

  1. Smuggle drugs into Canada to pay for fresh tracks in the High Arctic

It turns out climate change hasn’t melted ALL the snow.

Leave a Reply